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August 12, 2015

The struggle with selfishness is real. There are times when I find myself with teary eyes when I reflect on my greed. It seems more pronounced when you live with someone else. It is easy to feel generous toward a cat but when it comes down to who gets the last splash of milk in their tea, I turn into a rat with a t-bone, ready to take on anyone who tries to get between me and my cuppa, including the love of my life. Of course, I hide my avarice and hide treats in the lowest cupboards where Paul would never think to look.

Who will be the one to break down and buy toilet paper before we reach the last square? Paul, bless his Boy Scout heart, keeps me in the finest quilted. But it is only because I refuse to blink. I will stare down the barrel of that last roll and dare it to be empty. Maybe it’s because I know Paul will take care of me.

I don’t know. It is hard to be generous with an empty wallet. On a daily basis, I resolve to become better. I will eat less. I will exercise more. I will clean more dishes than I dirty. I will buy the next dinner out. But work is exhausting and the money goes out as quick as it comes in. Bills seem to find money. Whenever there is excess, disaster strikes: a $1500 head gasket, a medical bill, a rent increase. The scales of the universe always balance. Generosity withers without rest.

Resolving to be a better person does not necessarily result in becoming a better person. I am hoping that my current strategy of killing selfishness with tiny cuts will make a difference. I need not change overnight. Just one thing at a time. Paul would say, “You’re perfect. I mean, other than the fact that you don’t like ‘Game of Thrones’ you’re perfect.” I guess I’ll have to put watching “Game of Thrones” on the list.

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