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A Proposal

July 19, 2012

We are in the midst of another American presidential election. It is unprecedented. Super Political Action Committees (Super PACs) have spent more than $118,000,000; much of it spent attacking candidates of either party. The two main candidates have raised more than $380,000,000. The election is still more than four months away.

After months of internal squabbling and interminable debates, the Republicans have put forth as their candidate Mitt Romney, a man with a taste for silver spoons and a history in piranha finance. Of course the Democrats will stick with the incumbent, Barack Obama, a man who has overcome the odds to reach the highest levels of public office like the pigs in “Animal Farm”.

We are taught from a young age that we have only two choices when it comes to politics. We can only choose from one of the two parties. Of course you’re more than welcome to vote for a third party, but you, we are told, will only be throwing your vote away. After the farcical 2000 election, this was hammered home with even more ferocity. Many held Ralph Nader responsible for the turmoil that followed, claiming that had he not been in the race, Gore would have won handily and we may have been spared eight years of faux cowboyism.

But both of these parties, Democrat and Republican, are largely funded from the same sources. There may be the odd grandparent here and there that sends their candidate a five dollar bill in the mail, but most of the money comes from the same place: rich people. And when it comes to politics, rich people have only one thing in mind, themselves. It is understandable. But how can a political party remain objective knowing that survival is based on handouts from these self-serving Scrooges?

And we are left with a choice. We can vote for the guy who gets his money from Wall Street and special interest groups or we can vote for the guy who gets his money from Wall Street and special interest groups. There are only two choices because the candidate you really like, from the under-funded “third-party” that shares more of your values than the big two, has no chance of winning.

Elections have become less about substance and more about style and rhetoric. Granted, this has always been a component of democracy, but it has recently metastasized, eating away at the heart of our republic.

The two parties have become different sides of the same coin, joined by money. They have made a mockery of our electoral process, declaring with both word and deed that elections can only be won by being bought. As long as your candidate has no glaring deformities or past misdeeds, one only needs to raise capital to win. We go along because we know no other way. The people who have promised to reform it are part of the two-headed serpent, aware that any change in the broken system is a threat to their livelihood. So they make empty gestures and hollow promises to please the voters and then fly away in jets provided by their ubër-rich supporters (paymasters).

My proposal is simple. We send a message to the two parties. We awaken from this hypnotic state we’ve lived in, and spring to action. If they want to make a mockery of the democratic system that so many Americans have fought and died for, then we shall make a mockery of it. We choose a presidential candidate that can only be thought of as a joke, Snooki or Chuck Norris or Keyboard Cat, and we elect them. We would rather have a joke do your job than you. And why limit it to presidential politics? Elect Jedward to your city council. Ralph Wiggum for congress and the frozen head of Walt Disney for governor.

We can do this. We can change the system by trodding on the two-headed snake and starving it. We can be the change we want to see. Kanye West for President! Kim Kardashian for First Lady!


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